The Heterosexual Geek's Guide to Feigning Homosexuality

PART I: EXPLOITING GAY CULTURE

Gays and lesbians, still oft-reviled by much of mainstream society, are eager for closeted homosexuals to explore their true natures. Leveraging this desire will be your primary tool in controlling their behavior to your own ends -- convincing one of them to come home with you at Christmas.

Fortunately, your behavior will be different when pretending to court homosexuals. The Anne Frank-like terror you geek "men" feel around women will not be present in the company of gays; you geek "women" won't have the same awkwardness and fears of betrayal when flirting with lesbians.

Advice for Geek "Women"

Lesbians have a strong sense of community. To properly dupe a lesbian into dating you, joining this community can be more important than sexual activities. Go to Phrank concerts, attend "Take Back the Night" rallies, learn the rudiments of construction work. Pick out a single lesbian whom you'd like to bring home to your family, and become close to her. Flirt with her. Go to independant film festivals with her.

When she attempts sexual advances, claim to have been molested by an aunt. "I'm still experimenting. Maybe I always will be," you say, as she nods sympathetically. "Why can't I just be me?"

Advice for Geek "Men"

You geek "men" will have somewhat more difficulty finding a changeling. Your appearance and scent are a mixed blessing. Gay men fantasize about sex with unattainable straight men; this is the homosexual equivalent of Barely Legal Magazine and clown porn. Your unstylish appearance is, in this context, advantageous. But, given the laser-precise fashion sense of gay men, you should be prepared to be mocked openly (and in whispered laughter) for your sweatpants and odor of sour milk.

Compared to lesbian culture, gay culture is deeply sexual. You won't be able to dupe a gay man into coming home with you without becoming his boyfriend, and that won't happen until you put out. Thus, you must cultivate the ancient Catholic school girl art of "cock-teasing." Counter his constant sexual advances with promises of debauchery in some near, but indefinite, future. You must put out to some degree; to this end, I recommend the handjob. Imagine, as you do this, that you yourself are masturbating (again.)

PART II: FOOLING YOUR FAMILY

Bring your new beau home when the extended family is assembled. Introduce your significant other to all present, especially grandparents. Your family may take this well, forcing smiles at the ambushed surprise, or they may erupt in rage at your behavior. Either way, enjoy this as revenge for having spent your childhood being perpetually indicted for breaking your parents' improvised laws.

In any event, they will be happy to have figured you out. You should see an end to birthday cards reading, "I'll be dead before you have kids." You will no longer be asked about your failed romantic life; they won't want to know. Of course, you will be living a lie -- but this is only a natural extension of your solitary life doing robot work.

There may be some parental backlash at not having grandchildren. This will be more pronounced with geek "women," as the parents of you geek "men" have always been uneasy about the idea of someone like you around children. Geek "women" should carry copies of the S.C.U.M. Manifesto with them during visits to slam down in front of teary-eyed parents.

PART III: RESOLUTION

Letting down your fake partner is easy with these three magic words: "I've found Christ." Expect hostility from him or her. She will accuse you of being unmatriotic; he will accuse you of being a tease. Indeed, they are both right.

Now you can go back to your urban hermitage in peace. You won't be burdened by guilt from your parents about being unappealing to, and incompetent with, the opposite sex. Your true spouse, the television, will be waiting for you with a blank, motherly face. Enjoy!

	Handy follow-up sites. (none / 0) (#1)
	by because it isnt on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 06:42:40 AM PST

	If you're a geek, you probably read JerkCity already. This has handy tips for feigning homosexuality. If you read Slashdot, you'll have noticed the extreme links to gay porn posted by "trolls" (this is actually notorious homosexual Commander Taco posting under aliases). Go have a visit. They're all free, as in "free and easy", as well as beer and speech. adequacy.org -- because it isn't

	Clown porn (none / 0) (#2)
	by hauntedattics on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 07:08:20 AM PST

	disgusted shiver Why are clowns so scary? And are they all really perverts?

	I can tell you why. (5.00 / 1) (#11)
	by elby on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 10:52:32 AM PST

	Clowns can not be trusted. People with painted smiles always have something to hide. -lb

	one of the finest (none / 0) (#3)
	by astrix on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 07:43:35 AM PST

	pieces of work i've seen on adequacy. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty" --Thomas Jefferson

	I wonder... (none / 0) (#4)
	by First Incision on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 07:44:27 AM PST

	This might be a good idea for me. I think my parents already think I'm gay anyway. The Lesbian way sounds a lot easier; "putting out" doesn't sound like something I would want to do. I wish I was a woman. Oh wait, NO!!!!!! _ _ Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

	This is exceedingly dangerous advice (none / 0) (#5)
	by Adam Rightmann on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 08:03:22 AM PST

	and I would delete this article if I was sure the rest of the editors would not resurrect it (it is a burden being one of the few Godly editors on this site). I've seen far too many young men and women being brainwashed by the licentious liberalistic media into thinking that bisexuality is cool, and trendy. They then have a homosexual experience, usually while under the influence of marijuana. They find the experience physically pleasurable, but are wracked by wholesome guilt after. Of course, the only people they feel comfortable confiding in about this are other, practicing homosexualists, who tell them to deny God's voice and try this loathsome activity again. In a span of a few short months, they have become full fledged raging homosexualists, and usually morphing addicts too, as they still are nagged by feelings of guilt. Please, if you have trouble finding an appropriate member of the opposite sex, there are far better methods of dealing with parental pressure (after all, your parents only want what's best for you). Have you considered a young adult's Mass? A. Rightmann

	My theory, a bit promiscuous but effective... (none / 0) (#9)
	by Prof Jefferson Arthur C Kensington on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 10:23:01 AM PST

	This may seem a bit off topic, but I beleive it could resolve this geek-sex situation... I am a firm believer that young women should begin their 15 years of age by giving oral sex to older men as a means of keeping the "pervert level" down. This is a way to rid the world of 4 problems with one single stone: 1 - When should girls start having sexual activities? 2 - As we all know older men are the true child molesters and giving them a wide selection of young girls is a way of resolving this problem. 3 - Young girls will have aquired a taste for "man milk" and the typical slurping and sucking that such an activity promotes - which, in the future, will lead to their husbands being better satisfied. 4 - Giving girls an early taste for "tube steak" is a perfect way of creating a habit of it and not allowing them the prospect of "fur licking". For young men, 14 through 16 years old, I believe they should start off with women in their 20s. Once again, this will help rid the world of a few problems: 1 - Horny teens shoplifting "pr0n" magazines. 2 - Ninfomaniac women have a steady "stream" of young man-meat in which they can bathe themselves in with their plentiful energy. 3 - Young men gain experience in pleasing their future lovers and wives at an age in which learning is easier. 4 - Boys will have learned the pleasures of women and will never be tempted to "man handle" a man-handle. Those are my ideas. I know they may seem a bit extreame but I believe they are effective in solving most of societies sexual problems. -- "Random numbers are not really random, they're just numbers." - Jefferson A. C. Kensington, 1993, "Lectures on Applied Mathematics".

	Let me guess... (none / 0) (#24)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat May 18th, 2002 at 10:23:44 AM PST

	Your doctorate is not in English. Your spelling habits are atrocious. Perhaps Dr. Cortez can lend you a few typists?

	As a heterosexual man in a homosexual world... (5.00 / 3) (#65)
	by jer on Mon May 20th, 2002 at 08:59:32 AM PST

	As a heterosexual man in an increasingly homosexual world, I find this article invaluable, well worth its weight in gold. Each year, thousands of heterosexual men are accosted, flirted with, even outright assaulted and raped by gay men. Why? Because we are nothing else but heterosexual. As Mr. Glouchester stated: Gay men fantasize about sex with unattainable straight men; this is the homosexual equivalent of Barely Legal Magazine and clown porn. While most of his article was very well-researched, he neglected to account for the millions of homosexual men who find pleasure in sexual crimes against the vocal heterosexual minority. Environments such as Prisons, Industrial Production Facilities, and JC Penneys attract, employ, or otherwise hold legions of homosexual men. Heterosexuality is something, in these places, that I am almost ashamed of. The disturbing trend shows the numbers of homosexuals are increasingly on the rise, and soon, if not already, we will find brave young men and women coming out of the closet and declaring their heterosexuality; only to find that the world treats their lifestyle choice as something so shameful, something so mockable, that they are left in depression and therapy for years to come -- hoping to be 'cured' of their heterosexuality. It is to these persons where Mr. Glouchester's article holds most value -- showing them that while being heterosexual is something to be ashamed of, it is not something that they can find themselves capable of living with, in secrecy. With the knowledge this article imparts, the next time you're in a department store and a man in his mid 30's by the name of Lance comes up to you wearing a flower hawaiian shirt, you won't think twice about how to gracefully accept his flirtatious advances. Thank you.

	WHERE DO YOU KNOW THAT THE GOD IS NOT GAY? (none / 0) (#73)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 28th, 2002 at 05:03:10 AM PST

	Hmmmm?

	you (none / 0) (#83)
	by tkatchev on Wed May 29th, 2002 at 09:35:01 AM PST

	are so completely stupid. -- Peace and much love...

	Don't worry. (none / 0) (#92)
	by tkatchev on Thu May 30th, 2002 at 02:31:37 PM PST

	It's simply your lack of experience showing. Good luck, and don't let the bad people bully you. -- Peace and much love...

	You see? You are a complete idiot!!!! :) (0.66 / 3) (#98)
	by Anonymous Reader on Fri May 31st, 2002 at 01:08:01 AM PST

	Hahahahahaha!

	Exactly! :) (none / 0) (#87)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu May 30th, 2002 at 08:46:36 AM PST

	Dear sir: (none / 0) (#79)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 28th, 2002 at 07:41:56 PM PST

	This is The Adequacy. We do not throw poop at each other for amusement, here. Please acclimate yourself, and leave your primitive culture behind you.

	gay god (none / 0) (#81)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed May 29th, 2002 at 08:57:52 AM PST

	Because god is a figment of the imagination, and as such, people can hold as idealistic a vision of him as they choose. That being said, the Christian church is founded on such a flawed principle, the literal interpretation of the bible as fact. I'm not a christian, but i've read the bible and do believe there is a lot of truth in it. I like to think of it as an instruction manual for the human race on how not to be an asshole.

	No, I think you are completely stupid. :) (none / 0) (#88)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu May 30th, 2002 at 08:47:50 AM PST

	Much easier way (none / 0) (#6)
	by Icebox on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 08:20:36 AM PST

	Actually, most male geeks could get this same result in a much easier way. They would just need to take the 10 year old boy they have been molesting to their family Christmas gathering and introduce him as 'son'. They could claim that they had to hide their shame of an unwed pregnancy or whatever to cover for not introducing him sooner. The boy wouldn't argue because male geeks are well trained pedophiles are have a virtual underground network of child banging advice centers. Any boy raping Linux programmers care to comment on the effectiveness of this technique?

	YES, IT IS VERY EFFECTIVE. :) (none / 0) (#74)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 28th, 2002 at 05:05:48 AM PST

	Why do you hate America? (none / 0) (#7)
	by Anonymous Reader on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 09:53:07 AM PST

	The homosexualist agenda is destroying America. These subhumans brought the September 11th terrorist attacks on us by removing The Lord's protection from our great Christian nation.<p> Homosexuality is terrorism.

	um (none / 0) (#8)
	by Anonymous Reader on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 10:01:32 AM PST

	^ \| \| \|Homophobic ;)

	So? (none / 0) (#10)
	by tkatchev on Fri May 17th, 2002 at 10:42:44 AM PST

	Is that bad? You use it like it's a swear word. -- Peace and much love...

	No he doesn't (none / 0) (#20)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat May 18th, 2002 at 01:48:01 AM PST

	What are you implying?

	Could be a she. (none / 0) (#21)
	by Ernest Bludger on Sat May 18th, 2002 at 04:47:12 AM PST

	You just can't tell with ARs.

	I know, (none / 0) (#32)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat May 18th, 2002 at 03:28:01 PM PST

	I was using "he" as the default pronoun in the case where neither gender is specified. It may not be considered acceptable as it has been in the past, but I use it anyway, as it is easier than typing "he/she," which I think looks awkward anyway.

	Homophobes are people too. (5.00 / 2) (#22)
	by tkatchev on Sat May 18th, 2002 at 09:43:46 AM PST

	Who gave you the right to hate a large group of people for no reason at all but their thoughts? Did it ever occur to you that some homophobes cannot help themselves? That maybe they were born like that? Perhaps you think that all homophobes are "evil"; do you also believe that they all should be punished? Gassed in concentration camps, perhaps? In fact, I'm sorely tempted to call you a Nazi. You disgust me. -- Peace and much love...

	Duh. (none / 0) (#37)
	by because it isnt on Sat May 18th, 2002 at 06:23:51 PM PST

	The honourable AR does not hate homophobes - rather, their opinions. It's quite OK to hate the sin, not the sinner, yeah? I have a very liberal viewpoint. There is nothing wrong with homophobia. Homophobes are perfectly OK with me as long as they don't try to promote their homophobic views. After all, it is every parent's worst nightmare that their open-minded children come back from school as bigots. adequacy.org -- because it isn't

	Is that a personal bias? (none / 0) (#40)
	by tkatchev on Sun May 19th, 2002 at 01:52:11 AM PST

	Or a consistent viewpoint? That is, would you object if a homosexual person tried to "indoctrinate" your children? -- Peace and much love...

	I certainly would object. (none / 0) (#45)
	by because it isnt on Sun May 19th, 2002 at 07:21:20 AM PST

	That sounds to me more like paedophillia, gay or otherwise. Sexual predators are a danger our children have to look out for. It's supposedly the law in Britain that all teachers (and other people who work with children) have to be vetted by the police, although that doesn't always work. The old "promotion" law caused extreme controversy when it was introduced, and again when we repealed it in Scotland (it's still law in England thanks to the Lords). Why not put in laws against "promoting" alternative religions, or against "promoting" crimethink? Personally, I want my children's sex-ed classes to "promote" relationships, rather than biology, experimentation and casual sex. But I would certainly want my children to know that gay people exist and they're not evil aliens with acid for blood, etc. Parents who object to their children even hearing the word "gay" already have the power to pull their kids out of sex-ed classes, just as they have the power to pull their children from religious assembly. The curriculum for each sex-ed class is discussed with them beforehand. It's not like they're lacking in options. adequacy.org -- because it isn't

	HAHAHA! I laugh at this comment with my ASS!!!! (none / 0) (#89)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu May 30th, 2002 at 08:51:16 AM PST

	And there really is nothing else to say!!!! Please write couple of comments like this, they are better than the finest medicine in the world!!!!! HIIII HOOOOOOO HOHOHOHOHOH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEEEEE HEHEHEHEHEH HAAA HA HA HA HAH A <DEEEEEP INHALE!> HAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHE HE HAHAHAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOO HHAHAHAHAAAAAAA <DEEEEEP INHALE!> HAHAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHE HE HAHAHAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOO HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HE HEH HEHEHEH HE!

	please, sir (none / 0) (#91)
	by nathan on Thu May 30th, 2002 at 11:49:45 AM PST

	Take your gaping, roaring anus somewhere else. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	Thanks for the link Nathan, I masturbated (5.00 / 1) (#99)
	by Anonymous Reader on Fri May 31st, 2002 at 01:09:36 AM PST

	several times. :)

	you must be addled by onanism (5.00 / 1) (#103)
	by nathan on Fri May 31st, 2002 at 02:21:22 PM PST

	Considering the link was broken. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	You know you can fix the typos in links. (none / 0) (#106)
	by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jun 3rd, 2002 at 07:41:39 AM PST

	Especially stupid ones. : )