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Does this conversation sound familiar?
Mom: So, are you seeing anyone?
Your parents wish to make sense of your romantic isolation, partly out of their greed for grandchildren, but more out of their nagging sense that treating you like a walking nuisance for eighteen years might have been a kind of failure on their part. This guide tells how geeks of either gender can leverage the increasingly-acceptable world of homosexuality to quell their parents' insecurities without having to make genuine contact with other people or deal honestly with long-neglected emotions.
PART I: EXPLOITING GAY CULTURE
Gays and lesbians, still oft-reviled by much of mainstream society, are eager for closeted homosexuals to explore their true natures. Leveraging this desire will be your primary tool in controlling their behavior to your own ends -- convincing one of them to come home with you at Christmas.
Fortunately, your behavior will be different when pretending to court homosexuals. The Anne Frank-like terror you geek "men" feel around women will not be present in the company of gays; you geek "women" won't have the same awkwardness and fears of betrayal when flirting with lesbians.
Advice for Geek "Women"
Lesbians have a strong sense of community. To properly dupe a lesbian into dating you, joining this community can be more important than sexual activities. Go to Phrank concerts, attend "Take Back the Night" rallies, learn the rudiments of construction work. Pick out a single lesbian whom you'd like to bring home to your family, and become close to her. Flirt with her. Go to independant film festivals with her.
When she attempts sexual advances, claim to have been molested by an aunt. "I'm still experimenting. Maybe I always will be," you say, as she nods sympathetically. "Why can't I just be me?"
Advice for Geek "Men"
You geek "men" will have somewhat more difficulty finding a changeling. Your appearance and scent are a mixed blessing. Gay men fantasize about sex with unattainable straight men; this is the homosexual equivalent of Barely Legal Magazine and clown porn. Your unstylish appearance is, in this context, advantageous. But, given the laser-precise fashion sense of gay men, you should be prepared to be mocked openly (and in whispered laughter) for your sweatpants and odor of sour milk.
Compared to lesbian culture, gay culture is deeply sexual. You won't be able to dupe a gay man into coming home with you without becoming his boyfriend, and that won't happen until you put out. Thus, you must cultivate the ancient Catholic school girl art of "cock-teasing." Counter his constant sexual advances with promises of debauchery in some near, but indefinite, future. You must put out to some degree; to this end, I recommend the handjob. Imagine, as you do this, that you yourself are masturbating (again.)
PART II: FOOLING YOUR FAMILY
Bring your new beau home when the extended family is assembled. Introduce your significant other to all present, especially grandparents. Your family may take this well, forcing smiles at the ambushed surprise, or they may erupt in rage at your behavior. Either way, enjoy this as revenge for having spent your childhood being perpetually indicted for breaking your parents' improvised laws.
In any event, they will be happy to have figured you out. You should see an end to birthday cards reading, "I'll be dead before you have kids." You will no longer be asked about your failed romantic life; they won't want to know. Of course, you will be living a lie -- but this is only a natural extension of your solitary life doing robot work.
There may be some parental backlash at not having grandchildren. This will be more pronounced with geek "women," as the parents of you geek "men" have always been uneasy about the idea of someone like you around children. Geek "women" should carry copies of the S.C.U.M. Manifesto with them during visits to slam down in front of teary-eyed parents.
PART III: RESOLUTION
Letting down your fake partner is easy with these three magic words: "I've found Christ." Expect hostility from him or her. She will accuse you of being unmatriotic; he will accuse you of being a tease. Indeed, they are both right.
Now you can go back to your urban hermitage in peace. You won't be burdened
by guilt from your parents about being unappealing to, and incompetent
with, the opposite sex. Your true spouse, the television, will be waiting
for you with a blank, motherly face. Enjoy!