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It's come to my attention that adequacy has acquired a sex column. This is cool by me, and obviously, since adequacy.org is the most controversial discussion site on the Web, it seems hardly appropriate to cavil at the fact that the author of the column is the single member of the adequacy staff who I abhor on a personal level. However, cavil I must, because Adam Rightmann is a fucking fascist, a christian and an Usian. Any one of which ought to disqualify him from giving sex advice to any normal human being.
I tried to reason with elby over this matter, but instead of doing his job and blue-pencilling the Rightmann column, he a) banned me from contributing stories for two weeks after I got a little bit annoyed and jokingly DOS'd the site and b) told me that all I was going to get was a right to reply. So here goes. I'll be providing alternative advice to Rightmann's correspondents under the snappy column title of "English Style Lovers". Although I am in fact Welsh.
[editor's note, by elby] -- this is all more or less unexpurgated
Mrs. You want to put it where?
I seeeee .... so, hubby is, so to speak, inquiring whether "sarsaparilla" is on the menu? Asking for tickets to "Gary Glitter"? Moving your bank accounts to "Morgan Stanley Dean Witter"? Trying out for the local baseball team as a "designated hitter"? Well, look at it this way; at least he's asking. Many paleo-conservative apes like Rightmann wouldn't so much as bother to wave to the captain before climbing aboard through the "stern porthole". So chin up, love, things aren't as bad as they seem.
In this day and age, the taboos surrounding sexual activities involving the chocolate starfish have all but evaporated. Many celebrities freely admit to indulging themselves in a spot of 'uphill gardening' when the mood takes them. Don't worry, you are not alone. Thousands of women all over the country are having their "hershey highways" thoroughly explored on a nightly basis. There is nothing wrong with it.
Some other religions of the book most notably Islam contend that it goes agains the will of Allah, but from a Modern Christian perspective, there is no reason to suppose you husband should not feel free to 'bowl from the pavillion end' whenever he feels the urge.
You could even try to view it as a blessing in disguise. Since biologists have shown that the rectal passage is not really designed for sexual intercourse, there is no reason for you to feel pressurised into having an orgasm. This means you can finish your sexual congress much more quickly, and free up more time for other fun bedroom activities (which I will describe later).
If you still feel uncomfortable with the idea of your husband penetrating your "winking walnut", remember rule number one has to be that you shouldn't allow yourself to be forced to do anything that you don't feel 100% comfortable with. That's the most important thing of all.
If you don't feel happy with the idea of a "brush in your chimney", then that's the big N-O to the aspiring chocolate-chip-chimney-sweep.
You mustn't, MUSTN'T allow yourself to be put under any kind of moral blackmail to open up your "tradesman's entrance" if that's not what you want to do.
If the whole concept of being an accessory to a "backdoor burglary" turns you off just send your husband to the bathroom with some Kleenex. He will get over it. And if he complains, threaten to tell your Pastor what he has been suggesting.
So, then, how can you make yourself comfortable with it? Start off small, that's my advice. Even the stubbornest "elephant & castle" has a bit of give to it, but relaxation is an art, and best learned a half an inch at a time. A finger, a pencil, a breadstick and such aren't exactly going to "trouble the scorers", and once you've got used to the idea of having "guests in the back room", you'll be surprised how much progress you can make, even quite quickly moving up to more penis-like objects such as carrots and cucumbers before the 'main event'.
Modern technology can also come to our rescue. A whole new range of extra-extra strong condoms are now available for the nascent "chutney chaser". Modern anal lubricants using space-age technology developed for homosexual astronauts on long space shuttle missions can make anal sex if not exactly as pleasurable as normal sex, then at least tolerable for most people. They are even offering free samples so what do you have to lose ? (Apart from your anal virginity, that is !)
Once you are comfortable with the concept of anal lovemaking, its payback time. One good turn deserves another. Its time to suggest your husband starts to practice what he preaches. With both of your "fudge tunnels" introduced to the esoteric delights of hard and fast penetration, you will have turned the page to a brand new chapter in your lovemaking lives, a chapter entitled "English style love".
Please write back and let me know how you got on OK ?
Please help, my wife is unable to have an orgasm unless I stimulate her with my mouth. What could be wrong with her?
Unable is quite a strong word, my friend, and implies that you've tried every possible alternative. Let me suggest that this may not be the case ... I'm sure you've been "upstairs and downstairs", but have you considered the possibilities inherent "in my lady's chamber"? A lot of men feel uneasy about the concept of walking "in through the out door", and miss out on a world of fun because of it.
Since you're going to be down there anyway, you might introduce the fine lady to the concept of a tingling sensation in the "South pole" by the "slip of the tongue" methodology. I hope I don't need to spell out to you the details involved, but all I can say is that until you've explored every last "back alley", there's no need to accuse anyone of being unable to do anything.