- Connection speed is crucial.
The winners in online games are always those with the fastest connections to the Internet. To ensure victory, it is essential to invest in a high speed connection. Satellite Internet connnections are widely regarded as the best way to play online.
You can take advantage of your fast connection by victimising those players with dial-up access. You can spot these economy-class gamers by their low "ping times", which measure the speed of their virtual bullets. With luck, you can frag them before they even know you're there!
- Always use the best equipment.
The speed of your computer can mean the difference between winning and losing a game. It is imperative that you buy the best equipment you can afford. Owning a machine with a top of the range Pentium 4 processor, a Matrox graphics card and an LCD screen can turn an average gamer into a champion. It is also worth investing in a wireless mouse and keyboard, since these transmit data at the speed of light and are significantly faster than their wired counterparts.
- If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Online games are infested with cheating, so it is vital that you cheat too. All successful gamers use
"aimbots" which automate the tedious task of taking aim at the enemy. To prevent these dishonest players taking an unfair advantage, you should download an aimbot for Counter-Strike,
Unreal Tournament or Quake 3 Arena
- Go camping.
"Camping", or staying in one location for a prolonged period of time while sniping at your opponents, is an important skill to master. Due to its effectiveness, camping is generally frowned upon by most gamers. However, ignore these players if they complain about you camping - they are only jealous that they didn't spot your excellent sniping position.
Think of it this way: was John F. Kennedy assassinated by a screaming lunatic who charged wildly at a heavily armed convoy with guns blazing? Or was he calmly shot by a skilled marksman from a hidden vantage point? Clearly, camping is the most skillful and effective way to play.
- Sing when you're winning.
The art of gloating when you win a match is an important skill in the world of online gaming. Stressing your superiority over the other players helps to put them at a psychological disadvantage and can get you started on a winning streak. It is particularly impressive if your taunts have correct spelling and grammar, so it may be helpful to write down a list of pre-prepared insults that your parents or teacher may check for accuracy.
Here are some examples, but feel free to make your own:
"Verily, I am the best gamer and you are nothing but a bunch of rotten scoundrels."
"Who is your father?"
"HAHAHAHA, y00 sux0rz!!! 3y3 kick a$$!!! lAM3rZ!!!"
- Always look your best.
A "skin" is the technical term for the visual appearance of your online alter-ego. In most games, you can choose different skins to get different in-game abilities. For example, female skins are always smaller and harder to hit, while male skins can run faster. Select a skin that suits your playing style.
For this reason, do not embarrass yourself by propositioning "female" players. Video gaming is completely dominated by adolescent males and the chances are slim that "Killr-Grrrl" is really of the fairer sex. Unless bespectacled 14 year-old males with acne are your thing, you should find a different outlet for your carnal desires.
- Choose a fearsome name.
Your choice of nickname allows you to express your personality while playing online. You can try to intimidate other players by selecting a name such as "Rambo", "Nails" or "Psycho". Why not strike fear into the hearts of your opponents by replacing letters in your nickname with numbers and punctuation? For example, if your nickname is "Charles Manson", you might change it to "|CH4rL3Z M4n$0N|". Alternatively, why not try making some new friends by using your email address as a nickname?
- Take no prisoners.
Occasionally, newbies wander into games and start chatting to each other. You can easily identify these players, as they stand still for long periods of time and their virtual character may appear to be talking into a radio. Remember: online games are for gaming, IRC is for chatting. Punish these lamers by blowing them away with extreme prejudice.
- Join a clan.
A "clan" is a group of gamers who join together in a secret club to play games and swap warez, MP3s and pornography. You should seek to join a clan as soon as possible. This will give you a good opportunity to make some friends and your fellow clan members may give you advice to help you improve your game.
Better still, why not start your own clan? You can charge other members a modest membership fee of $10 per month, which can help you to buy new computer equipment.
- Go to a LAN party
LAN parties are a misnomer. Since all the partygoers are below legal age, the drunken sexual debauchery that characterises most parties is sadly absent from these gatherings. However, LAN (standing for "Lamers And Newbies") parties are a great place to pick up new hardware. It is remarkably easy to steal computer equipment from these scrawny geeks - don't forget to use violence if the subtle approach fails. You can then make a nice profit by selling the stolen equipment back to its owners on any Internet auction site.
Now that you've read this guide to online gaming, you are ready to start playing. By following this advice, you're already well on the way to becoming a great gamer. Good luck!