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Having been inducted to the Church from an orphanage at a young age, I have been a nun for the majority of my life. I took the vows of celibacy at the tender age of eight, and have thus never known a man. Eager to please our LORD and Saviour, I avoided all temptations. Or at least I did, until one frightful night.
I was awoken from blessèd dreams of Joseph and Mary by a quiet murmur emanating from Sister Judith's chamber across the hallway. Curious, I silently arose and crept down the hall. The murmuring grew in volume as I approached the door to Judith's chamber, and I could soon discern the voices of several Sisters whispering and giggling. As I nudged the door open, I was surprised to find that nearly all the convent had convened within! Judith and the other Sisters stood transfixed over a dusty tome, upon the spine of which stood in austere lettering the words "Gray's Anatomy". Wondering what could be so alluring in such a Christian and noble-sounding book, I naïvely walked forth to look at the open page...
...and was greeted by the sight of an enormous phallus.
I nearly fainted with shock. Was this audaciously ascetic convent truly such a den of depravity? Had my twenty-year tenure of chastity and devotion to the Church all been forsaken? The demonic diagram seemed to slither off the page, its serpentine form teasing me, much as the snake must have tempted Eve to taste of the Tree of Knowledge. Had I been cursed to rot in Hell for viewing a man's verboten venereal region?
Then suddenly, praise the LORD, I was enlightened. I would not rot in Hell for tasting the forbidden fruit. For the very idea that such vulgar anatomy could be part of every God-made male on Earth is absolutely preposterous. Furthermore, that such nonsense could even be published is a damnable affront to everything the Christian religion stands for.
As I tore the blasphemous book from Judith's startled hands, the LORD populated my mind with His unlimited knowledge. Yea, a God as loving and wise as He would never think to deform Mankind with such absurd organs as the so-called "penis" and "testes". The disadvantages such anatomy would inflict upon their bearer are too crackpot to consider:
Throughout history, phallus worship has been strictly the realm of Pagan and Liberal ceremony. One must wonder why all this cock-waving suddenly disappeared with the emergence of the One True Church. It is obvious that the existence of this organ is nothing more than a fabrication of the ignorant idol-worshipping Barbarians who lived before Christ's time. In fact, it is highly likely that this blatant falsehood brought forth the wrath of God upon the debaucherous denizens of Pompeii, and eventually upon all of the once-mighty Roman Empire. Unfortunately, some ignorant folk still choose to propagate this dangerous myth today, mainly mindless hippies and eco-freaks educated stupid by their excessive "open-mindedness" and pseudoscientific quackery, most of which has no basis in reality.
A cursory search of the old newspapers and gazettes I have collected over the
years only calls forth a few cursory incidents involving the penis. However,
practically all these instances involve the
of the misbegotten member, suggesting that there are a few unfortunate souls
may have indeed been given the black
gift of this dark meat. One can only assume
that these isolated incidents are the result of
freak mutations caused by
of nuclear power and other technologies
which forsake God's will. In a world which feared and loved God, and duly cast
out all heretics, no man or woman would
be cursed to carry this abominable weight with them.